christmas past and present

We FINALLY got our tree and the rest of our decorations up and it feels great! Miles was so adorable and wanted to help with everything. He heard John and I say to each other, “Awwww, remember this ornament?” and Miles would grab one and run up to us saying, “Remember this one?” He’s so cute and wants to be so grown up. He was so intent on putting them on the tree jussssst right.

Any of the ornaments that were instruments never made it on the tree though. Miles has played with them non-stop, even giving us instrument ornaments and instructions to play them. So we all play the imaginary instruments and when our “song” is over he claps and says “Hooray!” It’s really so cute. Here’s Miles playing the French horn ornament. Now that I think about it, even just last year he was pointing to the tuba ornament and saying it was his favorite, so I shouldn’t be surprised he’s obsessed with them.

So one of the reasons why I put off decorating our tree is because it’s very bittersweet for me. I was only married to my late husband for two years, but in our time together we accumulated a lot of Christmas ornaments. When he passed, his siblings and I split his childhood ornaments up, each taking our favorites for our own tree. (My eyes are stinging with tears remembering how painful it was to go through them that first Christmas without him.) I still put his ornaments on our tree. I have to put them in the back though, so I don’t see them every time I walk by. Last year I put the ornaments on the tree myself and I ended up so depressed, it took me a couple days to recover. This year, we decorated the tree as a family, and being able to tell John the stories that go along with the ornaments and just have Miles’ energy running around made it a happier event.

Here’s one of Andy’s ornaments. It has 1981 stitched on the back. People always say things get easier with time. I think for me, it gets a bit tougher every year. Of course I keep moving forward, but as I grow older and experience more it just reminds me of how much Andy didn’t get to do. We will all grow older, but that photo etched on his headstone will always show him at age 27. Man, that is so depressing! I will say though, that I still to this day hear from people who are touched by his story. So those are the things that keep me going.

I can’t wait for Miles to be old enough to understand who Andy is. I try to explain who he is, in the simplest of terms and why he was bald in some photos, but of course, he can’t understand yet. I don’t really feel like people know me until they know about the journey I took with Andy through his illness, so I guess I’m looking forward to my son knowing more about me.

For the many ornaments that were mine and Andy’s, there are many for our family that evoke warm memories. Like most families, John and I celebrate each year with an ornament for our family and one for Miles. Here’s one from last year, with the penguins symbolizing the three Kings. I didn’t take any tree photos because they never seem to do the tree’s justice. I will tell you that with the blending of my past life and my beautiful life I have now, it’s a gorgeous tree that means nothing but love and family to me.

How cute are those little penguins snuggled up together?! Reminds me of tonight’s movie night. It was so dark, that Whisper was the only one who could be in focus. I think you get the picture, snuggling up on the couch ALWAYS includes two pugs and their stinky breath. Regardless of the stinky breath involved, it felt great to relax in a fully decorated house. (Thank you John!)

Remember how I said Miles has played with the instrument (and music related) ornaments non-stop? He had them in his hands the whole time during the movie.

My last post I said things have been crazy with a lot going on. Things are getting less crazy as I start getting stuff for the holidays done (yipppee!) but we still have a ton of really exciting new things brewing right now. I’m going to talk about them soon, but just felt like blogging about some personal family stuff tonight. This week is starting to fill up with all sorts of Christmas activities so I’m hoping to have time to hop on sometime soon and fill everybody in.

Have a great week and thanks for popping by. I hope my post wasn’t too depressing. I didn’t even talk about how my sister isn’t here for the holidays, but that is because I can’t even begin to talk about the pain that surrounds losing her two years ago. I don’t talk about grief on here to make anybody feel sorry for me, but really I guess I just want to remind people of how raw the holidays can leave people who have experienced grief. (Of course, the holidays can be rough for a lot of reasons.) So as we are all rushing around and possibly feeling impatient with one another, perhaps we can remember that the holidays can also leave people with some holes in their heart and we can find more compassion for each other. Thankfully, there are so many other things this time of year that help fill those holes up.