A year ago today, my sister passed away. It was a sunny, Sunday afternoon and we were shooting at a friends house. We were having a great time. Miles was with us so when my cell phone rang, I didn’t bother to pick it up. For some reason, I ignored my voicemail on the ride home. I didn’t even check my machine until after I had put Miles down for his nap. It was like I somehow was preparing the perfect way to hear some horrible news, in the safety of my home, while my baby was asleep upstairs. I sauntered into the kitchen and saw my answering machine had an insane number of messages. I got that ping of panic you get when things aren’t right. I picked up the phone and immediately saw that the caller ID was from the hospital. My heart stopped. I’ll never forget that sick feeling of panic, just knowing I was about to hear something really bad. The news that came next, from my mother’s voice over the machine, has rung in my ears for the past year.
When Andy died, I had no choice but to deal with it. It took a while, but I had a lot of stuff staring me down everyday to force me to change and work on my grief. I had an empty spot next to me in bed, a closet full of his clothes and pretty much my whole world (and then some) watching me, waiting for me to be ok again.
I kind of figured that once you lose your husband, you can handle any kind of grief life throws your way. Nope. It doesn’t work that way. Losing Penny was totally different. There is something about your siblings that you just expect them to always be there. Especially being the baby of the family, they were always there, so of course they always will be, right? So to comprehend Penny as being gone, has become one of those things that may take me a lifetime to understand. Trust me, I have felt her absence, but I can also play a pretty mean game of denial too. Losing myself in photography, my own way of making time stand still and hold on to the people I love and doing that for others, has also helped distract me from that reality. (I’m so grateful for that.)
So today’s date has been burning on my calendar for a while now. It came so fast, but I do realize that even though I just said I haven’t done as much work on my grief process as I would like, I still have come a long way from that day when I stood in my kitchen and heard the news.
And you know, if it takes me a lifetime to deal with losing her, I”m ok with that. I just spent my whole life, minus a year, with her, so if I need that long to deal, so be it. I think losing anybody takes a lifetime to process, so I have learned to be patient.
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I like sharing photos of Penny from my childhood. Life was so much simpler then. That’s me in the middle, my brother Craig on the left and my sister, Penny, on the right.
Thanks for letting me share this with you. I wasn’t going to. I worry that I get a little too deep and personal on here, especially since this blog is my personal and my business one. But for those of you who have had a shoot with me, I rarely keep things 100% business. My life is an open book and I really try hard to really connect with people. I feel that half of connecting with people is letting them in as well. So thank you for letting me open up here.
On a parting note, now that I have gotten past the year mark, I’m feeling a sense of relief and a bit of peace. I’m looking forward to focusing on Miles’ birthday this weekend and Miles, who much to my chagrin, is very excited about presents! (I swear I’m trying to raise a non-materialistic kid, but hey, he loves tearing paper!)
Wow betsy.. This is very crazy… I also lost someone very close to me today (28th..I know your the 27ty) and JUST blogged about it as well. Read it if you get a chance. My heart sank for you as I read your blog and the losses you have dealt with.. but I also felt a connection… someone else is grieving today… someone else has been watching this date on their calendar and gets lost in their photos to ease some pain. Take as much time as you need to grieve… and remember you will never forget!
I thought of you today amongst my own dealings – I hope in some way you were able to celebrate and think of Penny’s life along with the sadness of her absence. As always – much love to you and your family!
Betsy – we are thinking of you during this difficult time of year. I cannot imagine the pain you have had to deal with. I think your postive outlook on life is very inspiring. May you continue to have great strength. Oh, and Happy Birthday (early) to Miles!
Betsy, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience these things in your life, and I hope that peace and healing find you in the time to come.
I’m so sorry for your loss Betsy.
Betsy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my little brother 7 years ago. All the ‘firsts’ are particularly difficult. Some days are still painfully hard, even after 7 years, & I suspect they will be for years to come. Grief doesn’t have a timeline… It’s ok to deal w/ it at your own pace.
Oh Betsy…Though you may feel you don’t, you amaze me (along with others) with all the strength you have. May God give you peace today and always.
OH MY. Betsy, I am so sorry! I find you so inspiring. Not only your work, but your attitude towards life. I can’t even imagine what you have gone through or are going through, and yet you still try to stay positive. It’s a decision you have made and love that you did. 🙂
Happy (early) Birthday to Miles. 🙂
I cant belive it has been a year already. I dreaded the year anniversary too, for months. I was scared to conquer it without Zac but I was ok. And you will be too. You have so many people that love you!
“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”
–Chinese Proverb
What a beautifully written remembrance Betsy. (((hugs))) I’ve always thought there’s really no “getting over” losing someone you truly love, you just learn to deal, as you put it, and live life without their physical presence. So glad to hear you are feeling a bit more peace these days.
Betsy, I lurk here often and appreciate your candor. I also wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers today. The reason that I continue to lurk (aside from your amazing photography) is you. Your personality shines through on the blog and it’s a nice treat to come here and read what’s going on. 🙂 Thanks for sharing the good and the difficult. It’s easier to relate.
hey girl- I have been thinking about you this past week….and my prayers are with you and your family- Life is full of valleys and Hills ..remember God wants to see our character for when we meet again with our loved ones who are already there waiting for us!
Thinking about you today Betsy. :hugs
Betsy-I’ve been a lurker for a while…I think I found you through Denise’s blog (Matilda Jane). I wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. I can relate to your pain as I also lost a sister many years ago, she was 7 yrs. old. Thank you for sharing your story on the blog. I always look forward to reading your posts. You are in my thoghts & prayers today :). Glenda
Hi, I am new to your blog and just spent an hour laughing, crying and loving every minute of it. Your family is amazing! My prayers are with you at this time in your life.
I just found your site today through a comment you left on Jessica Claire’s. Your work is amazing, inspiring, and challenging. I’m just starting on this photography journey (over the past 6 months), and your site makes me motivated and discouraged all at once! How can I ever get as good as this other person named Betsy?! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your life here. I’ve bookmarked this page to come back and check out other photos sometime. I hope you continue to heal and grow through the sorrows you have faced. No words can help how we want them to, but know that others who don’t even know you feel a sympathy for your loss. I wish you the best. -Betsy Jo
beloved daughter, that was beautiful. I will say it again..I am still waiting on your first novel. You have the following, get with it….I love you and adore you..MOM
What a touching and loving post. Thank you so much for sharing your photo, and your emotion.
Betsy- mostly I lurk, occasionally I comment. I originally found you via Bobbi’s blog (which is another random story in itself), but you’ve become, via your posts, an inspiration in parenting, in dealing with grief, in starting a business from scratch, in loving your husband (Both Andy and John). . . By reading your posts for over a year, I’m surprised we haven’t met. I’m a CHS alum, my partner works at Sweetwater, and I live blocks from the Fox, a marvelous coffee shop you’ve mentioned. . I’m sometimes amused at how very much I look forward to your posts. . . . You’re in the prayers of people you’ve never met, but that somehow you’ve touched with your charm, your sensitivity, and your strength. God Bless.
I’m so sorry for your loss but I also have to commend you on sharing your personal information. I work in HR full-time and it is my “job” to be all business. This is why I turned to photography. I believe to be a successful photographer you have to give to your clients what they give to you. I can totally see by your blog posts that you have a strong relationship with your clients and it’s not just business. I enjoy reading your posts and I will try to comment more. I’m so bad about leaving comments. 🙂 May 2009 bring you much success. Looking forward to the next blog post.
Your strength is inspiring, Betsy. I’ve read your blogs where you’ve briefly mentioned your sister’s passing and its always broken my heart a bit. I have two sisters who are my very best friends and couldn’t imagine losing either of them. I pray that you find more peace with this every day that goes by. <3
Your words made a small space in my heart open up so that I can place you safely there. I cannot imagine the grief you experienced, nor do I want to as I have an older sister as well that I can’t bear losing. I know many words of comfort have come your way today but I wouldn’t mind offering a few more. And that is, the best place for those you love is to be alive in God’s memory and you can be sure that he knows every intimate detail of them.
Besty, I am so sorry 🙁
Thank you for sharing this Betsy. I love the fact that you are so real on here, I know it’s a struggle with business and personal mixed, but it lets your clients know you. You have a wonderful strength and it shows through, even though I’m sure each thought of her brings some longing for her to be back.
Thinking of you, Bets, and remembering Penny. Many hugs!
Thanks for sharing betsy….I’ve been reading your blog for about 6 months or so now and so I feel I “know” you in a way…and I’m so sorry to hear of the loss you suffered a year ago. Blogging about it though is very theraputic so in a way you helped yourself deal a little bit more. Trust me I know…I’ve lost alot of close people to me…a child, my high school sweetheart, and my mother all before the age of 30. And I lost my mother on mother’s day to boot. So I’m right there with you on losing someone close. It sucks. And your right once you get past that year mark it’s another anniversary of sorts. I fear losing my siblings or father on a every day basis….that is my own I struggle with since losing my mother.
My thoughts and prayers are with you…take care.
Betsy- I remember that day, a year ago… I remember your post about Penny. I can’t imagine the sorrow you have gone through this past year with losing your sister. You were in my thoughts then and you are in them now. Take good care.
Thinking of you, my friend. Wishing you peace and love for 2009.
My heart goes out to you – may God continue to bring you peace and comfort.
Love and peace to you my friend.