It’s been another year since we lost my sister. Three whole years since she left us. My heart still has so much healing left to do that sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever scratch the surface of understanding it all. It’s so bizarre to look at this photo of me at my first birthday with my brother and sister laughing. So many times I have mentioned wanting to bottle up my time with my kids to hold on forever. Trust me, I wish I could have bottled this happiness for my sister when things got rough for her.
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I don’t like talking about her on the anniversary of her death because I feel like it was a day where she was the very opposite of her true self. She took her life and as much as she left us all standing shock and traumatized, I know if she had really been able to think it through, she would never have wanted to hurt us like her death has. She had such a loving heart that I think her mind was just stuck with blinders on, focused on the crisis in her own personal relationship and couldn’t see all the people around her that loved her and would have, and actually did try, to do anything to help her.
She also had taken the drug Chantix in the months prior to her death to quit smoking, and we now know that that drug has been linked to suicidal thoughts, actions and deaths. So in my heart, I know that she really truly didn’t want to leave her family. If that is a drug that you or someone you love is taking, please make sure they understand the risks and the pretty intense side effects, especially if they suffer from depression and most definitely if they are taking an anti-depressant with the drug, something we now know should not be taken with Chantix.
Ok, this is supremely depressing, but what I want to leave today’s post saying is that if you are thinking of suicide, harming yourself or if you feel that you are all alone, please know that even though it may not feel like it, there are people that love you and want to help you. Please, please, please find some help. If you tell someone and they don’t take you seriously, find someone else to talk to. Keep talking until someone listens.
There is a 24 hour, seven days a week hotline you can call if you or anyone you know is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. The phone number is: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s Website is here.
I wasn’t going to mention this on my blog because the loss of my sister is still so raw and suicide leaves such a dark cloud of shame, fear and unanswered questions lingering behind. I really want my blog to be a place where people see things full of love and hope. So I chose to talk about Penny today in the hopes that I can perhaps encourage someone else out there who has lost someone to suicide to feel like they can talk about it more freely. (There is so much shame involved when a family member chooses to leave you.) I’m by no means an expert on suicide, how people are feeling in the throes of depression or how to help people in crisis. All I know is the extreme heartbreak that I felt and still feel losing my sister because of her depression. So I urge anyone struggling to please get help.
Feel free to write in the comments if you have any better advice or comments about depression or suicide. As I mentioned, all I know is what it felt like to lose someone and I wish I knew the magic words to say to make that never happen to anyone else.
I’m SO sorry you had to go through this Betsy! Ugh. Absolutely heart wrenching. As you know, I lost my aunt to suicide a year and a half ago. I still can’t believe it. I never saw it coming and didn’t even know she was dealing with mental illness. It makes me so sad that she hid it from everyone and suffered alone.
Thanks for sharing your story so openly. I can’t imagine losing my sister. It’s great of you to be open and talk about real things on your blog. I’m sure many will be encouraged and helped by you doing so. You are also honoring your sister’s memory in the process.
Betsy, thank you for having the courage to share this. I can’t imagine the pain you felt and are feeling today. I said a prayer for you.
I’ll be thinking about you today hon. I’m so sorry 🙁
Sending hugs your way. xoxo
Sending good, happy thoughts and prayers your way today. It’s very couragous for you to post this. I think your honesty is very admirable!
I don’t have any additional resources, but I wanted to add my voice to those offering condolences. I can’t imagine what you and your family must be going through. I don’t think it’s wrong to write about it – in fact I think it’s important that people see that others are dealing with depression and suicidal thought too, and that it’s ok to reach out and get help.
My best to you and yours.
Betsy, I can only imagine the swell of emotions your family feels. I commend you for using your blog as a platform to educate and maybe even encourage others. I’m sure this post was difficult to write, but your deep care for others shows through. My best to you.
I am so sorry Betsy. I think it is great that you shared your story.
I have no idea what to say, except that I’m thinking of you. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wow. I pray that your family will continue to find some sort of strength and healing as the yrs pass. Suicide hits close to home here too. My grandpa and more than a few others in my life, young and adults. I cringe at the thought that the illness runs thick through my veins, my families, and my future children. I could write for hours on this. Just recently read on theblogess.com about it as well. Not sure if you follow her, but in a weird twisted way, I find comfort in reading others stories. Thanks for sharing cause I know how hard it is to confront and discuss such a painful subject. God be with u all….
This post is amazing Betsy. Thank you for your honesty. I had a close friend commit suicide in high school and I was the last person to talk to him. I constantly question myself, still to this day, if I could have detected something in him that could have warned me. It’s such a hard lose to process and cope with. Love you!