I’ve been a grouch this week and today was really bad. Like, Kate Gosselin bad. I can’t put my finger on my problem, but it’s probably that it’s Thanksgiving week. This holiday has never been a fun one for me. When I was a kid, Christmas didn’t start this early, so my memories of Thanksgiving are of sheer boredom with no holiday sparkle. Call me a spoiled brat, but all I remember about thanksgiving is good china, my grandparent’s hearing aids whistling and my sister and I looking at each other like, “Is this over yet?” Oh and football. There was nothing on tv except football. (Not a sports fan unless it’s gymnastics or figure skating.) I will say I have always been a fan of the Macy’s day parade, with my favorite part being the huge group of cheerleaders doing their routine in the cold. As I grew and our family got busier, thanksgiving never seemed to make it’s way up the charts on my favorite holidays. The lackluster weather and the way school seemed to drone on made the month of November tie with the grossness of March.

I visited thanksgiving dinners of guys that I dated before I got married and found that other families had “blah-fests” too. Mainly the women working their butts off in the kitchen while the men half dozed in front of the tv. I was always so thankful when there was a dog present for me to play with or a teen cousin to talk to about whatever reality television was hot at the moment. I’m not the type that can hop into a foreign kitchen and make myself very useful amongst eight other women, despite really wishing I possessed that skill, so that added to my misery. Granted, thanksgiving is about family, but I was too immature at the time to realize that.

I will say that even though Thanksgiving has historically been a “blah” event for me, it didn’t really become difficult until my late husband became sick. Our last Thanksgiving together he was recovering from his stem cell transplant in Minnesota and couldn’t be around people. Then the first thanksgiving without him was spent going through his childhood Christmas ornaments with his brother and sister, picking out which ones we wanted for our own mementos, our hearts breaking as we looked at each one. Christmas music started to play everywhere and I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe from the grief of going through the holidays without him. For anyone who has lost someone, that first holiday season without them creates such a hole in your heart with sadness that it takes years to build it back. Just as I started to get a foot hold on truly enjoying the holidays again, my sister took her life and I started all over again on rebuilding my heart for the holidays. I do think that Thanksgiving is a holiday I especially like to avoid since it’s one I spend solely with my extended family and without my sister there, it just makes our family tree feel so broken. Like it’s been pruned back and we are all standing naked and awkward, waiting for new growth to fill us back in.

I have to break here to mention that a few years ago, before my sister passed, I remember hearing someone talk about how they lost their sister and that their family never talked about her again. They never spoke her name or talked about her death. They just couldn’t do it. I was shocked. I couldn’t’ believe it. After talking to everyone and anyone about my grief process over losing my husband, I thought that surely if I had lost a sibling I would be doing the same. Nope. That girl was right on. When my sister passed, a piece of my root structure was pulled out of me and I was left so unbalanced and shocked that I too can barely speak of it. I can barely even talk to myself in my brain about it. I just close those feelings off, push them down to where her root would be and hope that it can fill that void. So yea, add those feelings to Thanksgiving dinner and you can see why I’m not in hurry to pass the potatoes.

Ok, this post is supremely depressing and a bit emotionally narcissistic. I’m wrapping this up, I promise. So yes, I’ve been grouchy. I can’t help it. I think Thanksgiving comes around and people start talking about having their Christmas shopping done before the holiday even begins and family gatherings that look perfect from the outside looking in and it can really make me feel inadequate. Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers. I need to buck up though. I really want my kids to LOVE Thanksgiving. I have always wanted to heal my heart so I can be healthy for my family and not hardened by it all. So I really need to adjust my attitude.

I’m making a decision tonight to change my heart and focus on what I have and not what is lost. Despite my grouchiness, I really have been thinking about how thankful I am. How blessed we are to have each other, a healthy baby, a precious and loving little boy. The fact that we own our own businesses and have managed to keep a warm house and two cars running around town. I just need to clear away the fog that broken hearts of holidays gone by leave behind and see clearly what is in front of me now and be thankful for this moment.

So as I close, I would like to share with you what I am most thankful for: my family of four (plus the pugs, of course). I have to admit, I was pretty scared having another baby. I thought our little family of three was perfect and was worried another child would mess that dynamic up. How silly of me. It’s all just utter perfection. How blessed and thankful I feel that despite all that has been lost in the past, I can have so much today.