Oh June, another month speeding by. I’m finding the more fun you have in life, the faster it speeds by. It’s officially summer and we have been staying home as much as possible. I’m in the minority amongst most moms as I’m not shuttling my kids to soccer camps and the like. We have partaken in VBS, which Miles has loved and a swim lesson here and there. Other than that, our days are filled with the baby pool, slip n slide, library and water tables. I do feel bad when I see all the other stuff that other parents are doing with their kids, but life is about to get crazy real with Kindergarten, so I’m soaking up this summer the way I did as a kid and that’s at HOME.
I have been shooting too, and sometimes my kiddos come AFTER I’m done shooting to piggy back on any left over mojo I have. So that’s where gems like these come from.
Photographing my kids in the studio reminds me of how I used to try to catch the wild barn cats at my aunt’s house growing up. Completely hopeless and leaves me sweating like a fool. So that photo was me basically saying, “All right, I’m going to just grab you and hold you in front of the camera!” Thanks to my husband for getting that beautiful shot. I love it.
So what else is going on with me? Here’s some thoughts rolling around in my head:
I’m photographing a birth next month. A home birth at that! Beyond all things photography, I can’t believe I’m going to actually witness a child coming into this world. I mean, I had a blue surgical sheet covering my own act of birthing, so this is going to blow my mind. I’m beyond honored that I get to share the sacred space that their home will be. Lord let me do a great job. It will be my first birth that I’ve ever photographed.
That brings me to my next thought: I’m baby crazy. Like so baby crazy that I pause at the baby aisle, just to look. I actually stood outside the other night just to listen to the neighbor’s newborn crying as they shushed and swung in their front yard. It’s tough for me. I’m not OLD, but let’s face it, I’m older, so there’s that. (Can I get an egg inspection on aisle 9?) My house is small and it’s not the right time to upgrade our house. (Oh yea and there’s the money thing. How do all of you with 3, 4 and 5 kids afford them?) My aunt keeps telling me not to mess up my perfect family with another and she has a point. Perhaps I should just quit while I’m ahead. John and I just feel sad being done. How do you know if you are just one of those women who would ALWAYS love to have a baby in her life (hello Dugger family) or if you really aren’t done? Ugh. Even if the whole world has an opinion on this matter (and they do!) clearly it’s something we have to figure out on our own. So yea, that’s been on our mind.
In that same vein, I know how I look to some people. I’m not a zen mom. I love my kids to the moon and back, but that doesn’t mean I handle it all without the anxiety of a day trader. So I do get those looks from friends who see me juggling my two kids like they are on fire and they look at me with trepidation like, “A third kid? Really Bets?…” So that makes me sad, knowing that I would be a bigger stress ball than I am now, even though I know our house would be overflowing with love.
So that’s me, on the fence about a big decision.
What else is new? Oh well, there’s another fourth of July coming up. It will be 9 years on July fourth since my first husband, Andy, died. I’m so sick of this day looming every year. I seriously am. It’s actually starting to piss me off. Like, Oh the fourth is coming up and instead of remembering happy, smiling, awesome Andy, I remember that horrible, horrible morning at the hospice home from hell. Fourth of July is a day like New Years anyway, where EVERYBODY always has better plans than you, (I’m talking about YOU, you people with lake cottages!) than add a horrible memory to that. I’ve never had awesome fourth of July plans because, understandably, people aren’t jumping to invite me to things on that day. (Awwwww, pity party for Betsy!) This year, however, we do have plans to hang out with friends. YAY!!! So Eff you Fourth Of July and your crappy hospice memories. (Please excuse the subtle reference to an explicative.) I’ll let you be in my brain for just a bit on the fourth and then you are moving out, to be replaced with thoughts that Andy would have wanted: joy, laughter and appreciation of freedom.
Ok, so now I’m sad thinking about fourth of July. I really need to stop listening to the Adele station on Pandora when I’m writing. It makes me so dramatically sad.
Alright, let me switch gears here. We have John’s brother visiting from Colorado so the next couple of days are going to be filled with all sorts of fun family stuff. Uncle Jeff is a nuclear physicist (seriously) so Miles is in HEAVEN with him. He’s a little bummed he isn’t a chemist, but I’m sure someday he’l be impressed at his actual title. They are making a volcano over the next three days, so here’s hoping our kitchen doesn’t become a paper towell commercial when we give that thing a whirl.
So that’s it for now. Still reading? Oh bless you for hanging in there with my brain babbles.
by Betsy
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