It’s more than time actually, it’s over due. I’m talking about saying goodbye to the Jeep. It’s a 1991 rust bucket of a Jeep and like any old car that’s been in your life for over ten years, it’s got a lot of memories in it. It’s not just our Jeep though, it was Andy’s. Yes, I still have the car my late husband drove.

After Andy passed, the Jeep sat in the garage for weeks, untouched. The pugs would whimper at it from time to time and every time the garage door opened I would see it and my heart would do that cruel little leap it does when you are excited to see someone is home. I finally got around to learning to drive it and as that summer turned to fall I gained strength tooling around town driving a stick and settling into life with just me. (If you ever want to feel strong and independent, just learn how to drive a stick.)

Fast forward to the night I kissed John for the first time. Our friendship, which had simmered over time, had taken the next step, which felt so forbidden, at least it was by the world around me. (Trust me, it never felt that way to me, but by many our relationship was forbidden, but that’s a whole other book of stories.) I was, after all, a widow. So I drove home with my mind and heart swimming with the crazy emotions of the first kiss of a man I was falling in love with but with also the confusion of how that mixed with my grief over losing Andy.

I pulled into my driveway, the garage door went up and there sat the Jeep. I took a deep breath. I slowly drove up next to it and sat for a moment, not sure what to make of everything I was feeling. Now, I have to explain that after Andy passed I felt his presence many times and there were two times that I felt like I could actually see him and that he was standing next to me. (Go ahead and call me crazy, but if you are, you’ve probably never lost your spouse.) I will never forget how I looked over at the Jeep after turning off the ignition of my car and I saw Andy sitting there in the driver’s seat. He was wearing what he usually wore to work and was smiling at me with the warmest smile full of compassion and warmth. No matter whether that was real or fabricated by my mind, I felt a peace in my self feeling that it’s time to grow, expand, let go and keep moving.

Of course, the past seven years have given me plenty of opportunities to grow, expand and let go. I’m so glad I have! I have an amazing husband and two beautiful children because I learned over and over to let go. I have had my moments this week, wishing we had a three car garage so we could keep it a bit longer. It’s so great in the snow, to throw the hairy pugs in or a greasy lawnmower for maintenance. Oh well, we will manage without it and it’s one more opportunity for me to let go of the past. I’ve said good bye to Andy a million times over and over. As I open my fingers to little memories I cling to with the car, I feel like I set him free just a little bit more and allow for just that much more room in my heart for joy that is here and in the moment.

So farewell to you Jeep, the giving tree of cars. May you find summer days with the doors off, Christmas trees crammed in the back, dogs with floppy tongues out the window and all the snow you could ever wish to conquer.

My girl Gail sent me a quote tonight:

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

I think I will always be a person who cries when they get sell a car. There’s just so much thinking, crying, talking and places you go in your cars. You drive to everyday places, fun places and sometimes sad or scary places in your car. Of course there’s the times where you sit in a parking lot talking to a friend for hours, before you part ways. Don’t even get me started thinking about the day we sell the Accord, the car we brought home our two babies in. I’m choking up just thinking about it! Thankfully Honda’s last forever. So thanks for letting me hash out my feelings. You sometimes have no idea how deep they are until you start digging in.

PS In that photo of Andy with the pugs, Stamp weighed 22 lbs. She was VERY overweight! She weighs around 12 lbs. now. (Talk about a before and after weight loss success story!) If she could talk she would totally be chiming with, “OMG, I can’t believe you are showing that photo. I’m so fat!”